Feelings of unreality - purification?
It started a few weeks ago when I started reading a dissertation on Richard Rose’s teachings (an American spiritual teacher who had a profound awakening – he died in 2005). Anyway, his teachings are quite intense about following the path to the Absolute, as he calls it. I also started reading writings from former students of Richard Rose. At the same time, I put away my Course in Miracles book, which I had been diligently studying for 1 year. Also, I started sitting outside in nature (our back yard) for longer periods each day, just sitting and paying attention to being aware. Then strong emotions started coming up, guilt, shame, fear, unworthiness, all stuff from my past. So I allowed that stuff to come out whenever it came up. Then I started to have periods of feeling very out of touch with normal reality, sort of like a racing mind, but very confused, and not really knowing who I was at all. I was able to sit with these periods and just bring awareness to it. I was wondering if I was going crazy though. Anyway, these periods have been happening more frequently, until last night was the worst one. Before bed, I had the worst feelings of unreality I had had to date, with some feelings of pain at the crown chakra, then I had a panic attack after feeling unreal for a while. I was very afraid. Then I woke up in the middle of the night with a huge panic attack, that left me terrified. First the fear and adrenaline came, then my heart raced madly, and my body was filled with high voltage energy, and I was lying there with bouts of shaking all over, and feeling terrified I would die. I didn’t feel anything going up my spine per se, but the energy was coursing through my whole body. Finally it subsided, and I lay there for a few hours, before finally being able to get some sleep. Also, during these times of unreality, I am not able to think clearly in a logical way, so you might say my left brain is not working clearly. It’s remarkable that I have been able to “step back” during these times of unreality and observe it happening, except for last night, when I got immersed in it and was not able to step back mentally. I thought I was losing my mind.
The funny thing about all this is that when I started the spiritual journey, I thought it would be all happiness and wonderful feelings. Boy, was I wrong! It seems that studying the Course prepared me for this though. I had some wonderful experiences while studying the Course, including my crown chakra opening with a nice little click and rotating motion while meditating one day, but now this journey seems to have all turned painful. Also, I am embracing the fact that I am not in control, and surrendering daily, so that is actually helping to surrender, and to pray. I also find it very helpful to pray for others, as somehow that seems to comfort me in return.