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Beginning in 2006, when I retired, following a protracted life challenge (25 years of survival struggle while trying to stay safe from a stalker), I 'rested' allowing the years to seep out; I slept but didn't rest. I was suffering from psychic exhaustion. As the duration of the challenge lengthened, I became more educated with respect to how to live; eat, breathe, stay structurally sound; support my digestion and fortify my immune system. I also had time to catch up on what was going on in this world of rapid change. We didn't yet know who would win the 2008 election, and the pressure of those times were excrutiating. It was as if I'd been a part of pulling something forward, and had been at it for a very long time. It was during this time I discovered Julie Redstone's -- work. I felt the internal chakra clearing as the energy moved inside me as I read. I always feel these 'spontaneous spurgles' as my friend so aptly named them, when I read this work. That's how I know I'm conencted. As I began to work on a genealogy project I became spiritually connected to my ancestors in a way which I know now can only be called shamanic. It seemed the transcendency I had achieved during my life challenge had brought me to this new place. And it has continued. I took a course at Duke University about The South in Black and White and learned how history affected my family who chose to move South. This was deeply impacting as well. In 2008, on a weekend of a family reunion, I connected with my adult daughter and her girls, one of whom was struggling with some apparent deviant behavior. As she read me her 'memoir', I learned of a rape. This began what became a downward spiral resulting in a major and unexpected life change. I'd been estranged from them for over twenty-five years and efforts to reconnect had not been successful; our contact continued to be superficial. As I'd been a trained rape survivor companion since the mid-80s, I was further stunned when my (written) best supportive help and referrals were also rejected. The writing of my life story during that summer I thought would be cathartic, but it further debilitated me. Then in the fall of 2008, I was inadvertently overdosed on Vitamin D3. The 2 droppers each day I was supposed to take contained 60,000 IUs of D3. The doctor intended me to take 2 drops, or 2,000 IUs each day. Probably because I was occluded, preoccupied by the other recent events, I, who normally documents everything carefully, did not learn of the real cause of my serious demise physically until February of 2009. My herbalist, who is a spiritualist, told me that this was one of my opt-out points in my life. I could have left my body. But I didn't, and the intervening time took its toll on my body and finances, and during that extraordinary fall and winter, seeing as it did the inauguration of the new President, I had deeper, beyond space and time experiences. Two brothers lost their health that fall, unexpectedly, leaving me the last viable (?) sibling. All of this together - I'm still following the Ascenion, our approach to 2012 - brought me in touch with certain realities within my family of secrets which linked back to the assault of my granddaughter, and ultimately to a Secret involving myself which happened at age 4, and which set the direction of my life as my healer Mom, who had done a wonderful job of 'taking care of me', and I had entered into a collusion I didn't remember making either until the shamanic journey showed it to me via Little Sandy. I had either a breakdown or a breakout. My life as I had known it ended. How bittersweet the 'success' of my former long and arduous efforts! To do all of that for that long and finally, Thank God, succeed, to come to this! The shadow, family of origin is where I was led to go. It was as if I had been preparing for this all along. Like the hiddenness from age four which set me up for my life experience with the attitude that I must always hold myself up and never quit, all of that which had gone before was just to get me ready for this. Was I courageous, or insane? I relied on the eternal message to 'go within' and to 'be still and listen'. I took it one day at a time and kept the little book by Joel Goldsmith with me 'The Infinite Way'. So here I am a year later. The one brother who was the perpetrator at age four, died on Thanksgiving Day. I was still in the throes of trying to understand how this could be; he was my brightest spot brother; the one I always turned to. Turns out the incident was a one-off, testosterone driven incident, but one which was secreted away; he left home, for this reason, not the reason everyone knows. The draining away of the intense emotions surrounding the event has left the facts of the physicality standing in its stark simplicity, much like the clean baby now out of the amniotic fluid sac. The nephew I chose to live with as I recovered, was a dear. I shared all this with him, as I had admired him and his spiritual search for a long time, albeit at a distance. We had become close as I'd discovered more and more about the family of history; he also shared with me a history of brutality and trauma. Turns out he and his lovely wife have a challenge with alcohol. Following an auto accident wherein they were both seriously injured while intoxicated, when I refused to give them my car, I was asked to leave which I did. A colleague at a part-time job allowed me to move into her spare bedroom. Again, I am taken care of. I love, miss and pray for my nephew and wife. I attend an AlAnon meeting twice each week which educates me on how to apply the 12 steps to help me deal with the reality of having an alcohol problem in a loved one. While it seems that the darkness is greater than the Light, I know this is not true. I strive to continue to be the Light I have always felt inside me. I can only Trust. I don't know why exactly I am here, but I continue to meet 'helpers' all around. The challenges in this area of the US are monumental. My own granddaughter recently gave birth to a baby, born to a single mother with a history of trauma and substance abuse. Is this the ending of a long-standing history? Am I watching the end? The ego part of me says 'I can't approve of this; I can't do this again. Has my life example not meant anything? Do you not get me?'
The LightBody is fine. Well. At my age, my health insurance is only $142/mo., and this included dental. A high deductible. Yet I am being looked out for. This I know. I have had a series of weird things, like dislocation of ribs at the slightest movement. Sore for a few days; but sometimes I just turn over in bed! What's with this? But mostly, I hold up well! And my energy is wonderful, especially when I am 'in Spirit'. I feel the crowding in of the negativity around me, but Peace Pilgrim and other fabulous people find their way to me. I try and stay in my solitary, sacred space as much as possible. This is about healing, telling the truth and releasing darkness. I am committed. Thanks for letting me share.

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